I wanted to blog lately but I didn't have anything nice to say... I've been haunted by harsh emotions that have mostly revolved around three main states of being...
(1) piercing sorrow (perfunctory tears...without provocation)
(2) flagrant rage (i want to punch a face... i want to break my knuckles on someones jaw)
(3) extreme self-loathing (for feeling the above two emotions)
I mean... it is Christmas. We are celebrating Emmanuel. He humbled himself, became a baby, shed salt tears, had pooped that smelled (I mean literally, HOLY CRAP!) He became human. The cross was a horrible, painful ordeal. But think...LIMITLESS God confined himself to being a human. That must have been a very difficult change.
I should be shocked by joy. Filled with gratitude. Awed by mystery.
Instead, I have been choking on my own snot. Crying uncontrollably into my pillow until I'm so fatigued that I fall asleep. I want to be sedated... as The Ramones say.
Here is a snap-shot of my current living quarters I've shared with my sister. (There is Darby smiling sweetly in the picture. And she should be smiling! Wes proposed to her on Dec. 23rd! Hoooray! That was one very happy night. Like I said earlier... my emotions are like a miller's wheel whirling through rapids.)
My mom's house is like the inside of a high-school cafeteria microwave...there is stuff splattered everywhere. All of our family's collected crap, as well as all my step-dad's family crap, are crammed into this house. Twenty-five years of stuff. Living in this space enrages me. Especially, since I have tripped, stubbed, and fallen my way around this room... and the fact that the door to the driveway is in this room...so people are always walking through...when I am sleeping... or trying to change clothes.
Did you notice there is no door in the doorway? I should be able to get over this. This shouldn't be a problem. I know that I am being really immature and selfish and mean and ungrateful.
and Dad is so alone. He doesn't want to talk on the phone. He worked the entire holiday. He worked and 18 hour day on Christmas eve and spent the night in Pittsburgh, alone, in a hotel room. (my step-mom died in october... ) joy escapes me. My dad is physically alone... brother is off with friends... sister is off with fiance.... mother is off with husband and his odd relations.
but still... I have a roof over my head. A warm place to sleep. I have everything I need and more. my family loves me. God never forsakes me (no matter how LAME I am being...like right now)
The Lord has impeccable timing. I am reading two books by Shane Claiborne (The Irresistible Revolution and Jesus for President)...unveiling the absolute anit-Jesus way of life that suburban Americans tend to be living surrounded by their material belongings. Shane sleeps in the streets at night to love and spend time with the homeless. He discusses the rich young ruler from scripture... you know... the one Jesus tells to sell all his stuff and help the poor. And literally does that.
But more importantly than that...Shane discusses love... he would be showing some love to the strangers... I mean "relatives" that have now married into my life and inhabit most of the house (including all the rooms with doors...grr....trying not to be jealous...trying not to be jealous)
conviction. no one is seeing Jesus in me.
everyone, I humbly repent.
Lord, I repent.