embracing and battling the cold...

the other night I was driving home late...flying down the winding road with only my headlights casting light into the darkness. I love driving. This was one of those moonless nights. The air felt a little wild and I knew a cold front was blowing in. The brown leaves scuttled across the road and spooked me for a moment, fearing some animal was attempting to cross the road.

It was an October night for the record books...leaves falling, wind howling.

This is the weather I love.

Of course, sunny days are glorious in their time. But everyone loves the sun. And even rainy days in their gloom have a special appeal for movie lovers...curling up on a rainy day is a nice treat. But I am one of those oddities... that champion the cold!

I love the cold, blustery days. Especially, the first ones of the season. I love the crispness it brings to the air. I love bundling in soft, billowy sweaters and scarves... that I get to pull out of the closet. Remembering... oh yea! I love that sweater...I've missed you all summer.

I love warming my hands by a fire. or snuggling up next to a friend while we walk in the cold.

I love the holidays!! Coming into a warm house. Drinking something in a green mug...that is sweet and steaming.

When I think about it...autumn and winter are also really harsh and terrible. I can enjoy them because I am provided for. I have a sheltering roof over my head. clothes to wear. refuge and friends. I can not deny the stinging feeling when you are miserably cold. the ache of cold muscles.

I guess the season reminds me just how grateful I am. I love you Lord for providing for me. I love you who have watched over me. I love you family! I love you friends that warm my heart! Thank you!

I love You who paints the trees in autumn and designs the frost on the grass.

Show me what I can do... to help make sure everyone feels warm this season. on the inside and out.

Because there is a lot of cold out there...

currently...

I’m trying to be as quiet as a church mouse; although, the wind blowing through the open window is making enough noise to veil the small clicking of fingers hitting the keyboard. My Dad is asleep nearby, and this is quite a a feat. He hasn’t been able to sleep more than a few hours each night, due to his injuries from a motorcycle accident which wounded him and fatally wounded his wife, changing our lives in the worst possible way.

It is nearly 11 in the morning... and he is still snoring. Halleluia!

I was so nervous about this weekend. Roles were reversing. My siblings and I were going to take Dad under our wing. He wanted to stay with us. First, I picked Dad up from his parents house (my grandparents: Peep and Pop... for a little insight into their delightful characters read a previous blog from last spring). Then we drove through the cool October night up to Norman, OK, where my brother and sister attend OU. The moon was really lovely, hanging bright and mostly full in the sky, but it was hardly a distraction from my weeping father in the passenger seat. I listened to him tell the whole story of the accident to a friend who called him on the phone. How many times has he told this story? Too many times now... I am sure. Still, I suppose it needs to be told... it is amazing how many people each of our lives touch.

We made it to Norman. We all gathered in in the living room. My sister, Darby, my brother, Sean, and Wes (Wes is practically my brother; he has been dating Darbs for nearly five years...so he counts as family already). We haven’t been together like this in a very long time. We all sat down and watched the most hilarious episode of the The Office, with scenes of Dwight giving birth to slippery watermelons flashing across the screen, our tears gave way to chuckles. God bless The Office. Can I get an amen?

My Dad was really awed by my sister’s decorating skills. She has an engaging taste. She could be a designer. She built her own coffee table and actually put coffee beans under the glass. It is the only true “coffee” table, she says. It fills her little living room with a pleasant aroma. She has lanterns hanging from the ceiling and fresh yellow flowers in a vase next to the couch. My Dad was really floored by her creativity.

This afternoon, he is going to join me at Sky Ranch and see where I “live” too. It is a little strange...that it would take this much tragedy for Dad to finally see and get to know us in the spaces where we work and live. We always had to meet him where he was...

... now he is here. with us. seeing our daily selves first hand. for the first time in a very very long time.

I was nervous about this weekend...but the first morning we were together...I couldn’t believe the miracle in front of my eyes. We were all together, goofing around and making breakfast, and I looked up to see Dad sitting in a chair and reading through a Bible...

... it actually felt like Christmas morning.

my favorite season is finally here... FALL!!!

that cool truck once looked like this

before that lovely tiger paint job...it had to be scrubbed.

I am so grateful

thankful, appreciative, filled with gratitude! Today I returned to the wonderful Sky Ranch school programs department. When I was in France, I got a few emails from the leadership here at the Ranch and everything just fell into perfect place.

First, there was an empty spot for me because one of the new staff can't come until January.

Second, the leadership offered me the same room and board that the Sky Ranch interns have.

So basically, while I am here in the U.S. my Sky Ranch family is taking me in, providing me a home, and helping me work and provide support so that I can return to France.

And finally, the most incredible fact of all! I get to return and work with some of the best people in the world. With my friends! There are a lot of new faces in the Outdoor Education department but everyone is so amazing.

Driving to work this morning, the full moon still hung in the sky casting moonly light into the morning. The colors of dawn morphed from deep blue to absolute liquid gold. The trees were vividly green in the morning light. The temperature was cool and refreshing. I could wear one of my favorite scarves quite comfortably. When I arrived at work, each hug from each person just filled me with so much joy.

All I could think... "Lord, I love you so much! Thank you so much. I can't believe that I get to work here while I raise my support."

I'll remember this later. when the floor drops. it will remind me to keep breathing. but right now... all I can think is

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

there is no title to this blog...

because I'm not exactly sure where this subject will lead me. It starts like this: recently I had a thought.

This thought entered into my head for two reasons.

In the Musee d'Orsay this week, which I visited twice, I wondered the large halls and exhibit rooms. In total awe. Of course, there are the famous names...Monet, Manet, Van Gogh. (the last of these, left me speechless, in person his paintings hit you in the face with vividness and dimensional gobs of color). Each piece was a marvel, yet I was especially drawn to the depiction of death in the art. Don't know why.

Very negative imagery. Skeletal figures. dark shades. eyes clouded with fear. death if symbolized by a figure was ugly. it had talons. its victims were martyrs.
When I looked at the date of each piece...I noticed that each was from the last century or earlier. None later than 1920's.

Reason #1: Seeing death portrayed in art from the last century

Then I started to think about a line of poetry from Ryler Dustin, from the book Glenn let me read this summer.

"Look out for Ryler.
I overheard that kid talking to himself
for the first time in eight years
about how suicide is starting to sound
like another word for clean"
-from Blackbirds

Reason #2: I started to think about how death is depicted in our generation

...mostly in music.
The New Frontiers...
"Baby scream when they are bored,
So I'm not afraid of passing on"
-from Passing On

This song is not about taking your own life...I think it might be more along the lines of being willing to let go of life when the time comes...But the point is...death isn't so shrouded in darkness as it once was. Is this a blessing? a hope for us? or can it also be a curse?

either way... death is thought about differently in our generation. J.M. Barrie's Hook took the stage in 1904. The start of a new century. An age of technology. and Captain Hook says, "Death is the only great adventure I have left..."

I began to wonder.

The thought: Has all the mystery of the world been lost in our technological age?

Is there anything left to explore in life? Unknown lands. Unexplainable feelings? Unsearchable questions? Or do we explain everything to such an extent... that we are left curious about the only truly unknown that all of us will experience: death.

maybe some would admonish me...

Admonishment #1: there is plenty of mystery in the world. a ton of things unknown. but my argument would be... that to the average person. It is easy to forget that. when you live in a concrete jungle. in education systems that explain everything with the scientific method. with psychology that even explains your feelings. you have to escape from this to find mystery. not all people have that much gumption...

Admonishment #2: death isn't such an unknown after all. As Christians, we go to heaven to be with God. That isn't unknown, is it! but do we have even a fathom of what that will be like! only imaginings.

I was thinking about this all week and today something happened. I am staying at my mom's house. One of the neighbor's daughter committed suicide.

She chose death.

I guess it just looked too good. has it always been this way... or is our generation making it look better than before. It is so horrible. this choice has cast a net of darkness that hurts people far beyond even those she knew.

The "bridge" building at camp was once partially demolished by an avalanche in the 1960's.  It was rebuilt... but is still essentially 150 years old.  It looks like an old stone barn.  Enter this building and you will find a small twisting wooden stair.  If you ascend these stairs you will find four tiny offices.  In the third office on the right, right now, you would find 5 people on computers.  Including myself.  Even though this space is only 10 feet wide.

Like my comrades, I am enjoying some new free time.  Family camp ended today.  The French families were wonderful.  Although, I was really intimidated by them at first.  My French is much better than it was 10 days ago.  Today when each family left I couldn't help but wish I had a little more time with them.

I am currently in a state of mourning for my digital camera.  My beloved Nikon.  is .  dead.  c'est mort.  

I have repeatedly felt the sting of wanting to take a certain picture and remembering that my camera is gone forever.  and that it is my fault.  for trying to cross a mountain stream with the camera in my hand.  It was horrible... that moment I watched my camera flying through the air and felt the morbid splash of digital death.

I thought it had a chance when it dried out... but I was wrong... it officially died this week.

The day I dropped it in the water I took some truly beautiful pictures of mountain scenery. The picture above is one of them... from my camera's last hours of life.

It was strange saying good-byes today.  I was harder for me, because I feel like it is my turn to say good-bye next.  Only about two more weeks left.  My mind is starting to wonder about what I'll be doing when I get home.

I am even a little frustrated.  I have started to feel at home here, my French is coming along, I have grown closer in my relationships with French friends...and now...stop everything.   

Time to go back home... for a bit.  

Time to transition into a whole new world again.

Time to attempt explaining to people what happened here and find I don't have the words.

Time to get frustrated with people because they really won't care to hear about everything that happened here.

Time to miss out on the relationships I have been carefully building on here.

I guess it is also time to see wonderful loving...

family

friends

possibly sky ranch OE kiddoes

consume a few....

Dr. Peppers

Mexican food dishes

pieces of sushi

and I have a lot of work to do!  It's time to get others involved in this enterprise.  

So much work to be done.  

For now...I am about to board a bus for 5 Euro and 10 centi.  Arrive in Grenoble later tonight.  Stay with one amazing Candide and a sweet and spunky Australian named Jess.  Hopefully, eat delectable French cuisine on Candide's balcony in the dusky evening light.

and we'll all think about the beauty of being the children of God.